The train slowly ran into the station while the raindrops kept falling down from the sky like the last day on earth has just arrived. I’m hesitating in trying to reach the door when an old saying from John Gray came to my mind: „We only part to meet again“.
Now I know, what John wanted to say with this. Lost in thought, I opened the door and felt this clumsy loneliness crawling up my back. It has been a while since my last visit, time doesn’t wait for anyone and I have been so busy myself.
There was no choice about today, if I would like to go or not. I had to even the pain inside my chest is incredible. I try to surppress all that I am feeling while I ran down the stairs. my feelings while. I remember every single step as if it has been just yesterday when I used to rush on my way to work.
Today, I can take my time. Time now has a different meaning to me. It doesn’ t rinse through my fingers like sand. Nothing I need to accomplish anymore, nothing for me to worry about. The basics just slowed me down and allow them to do so. Far to long I was heading in the wrong direction without even knowing it. I might felt something but I didn’t wanted to know, I just wanted to do what I thought needed to be done.
The moment I reach the basement floor I am able to sense the course of time and for the glimpse of a moment I am there again. Things have changed, I have changed and everything will forever change. The walls are renovated and full of flaggings now, there is an elevator and the trees had to disappear because of a bicycle rack.
Life is always about improvements, the old needs to go to make space for the new this is what they taught me. And I believed them till today. I believed in things so easily without questioning them that I am not sure anymore if this is the right way. „The modern time has arrived and asked me to come back here again!“
The dawn of a new day just laid in front of me, somewhere, a dog is barking and there are just a few cars running on the street.
The church bell rang for the full hour and I am curious looking around, astonished about the place I once have known. Everything has changed, where there was grassland, big new houses appeared, nearly palaces. Huge cars are parking in their gateways. Shallow lights shimmering through the windows and families are sitting at the tables and having breakfast in the comfy of their own home.
Family, I remember that feeling of belonging somewhere. Loving so deeply that it nearly hurts and parting away when things suddenly change. It is the course of time they say, children grow up, leave the house, you change yourself over there years and suddenly you wake up and wonder where all the time has gone?
I lose myself in memories of old days, stories from the past a time that I used to know. But there are still things that somehow seem never to change. They have been there for hundreds of years and might be there for the next centuries. I almost reached the church with its gentle silence enthroning on the top of the hill.
I take a deep breath as if I would greet an old friend. We humans are so vulnerable in the fading of time, we need to have these stability. Something to hold on to, something that does not change while everything around us is forever changing.
For a short moment I need to close my eyes and feel deep what is inside of me and it seemed as it were yesterday when I left this world. My feet feel heavy and every step feels like more resisting than the one before. I hesitate, because I can see all the people standing there. Im reminded on all that pain, the emptiness, all this fighting, the misunderstanding because they are unable to see the truth.
Covered in black, hiding their faces behind tears of anger, fear and desperation. Trying to understand and to let go. I can hear their whimper, their supplication and I feel so helpless. Slowly step by step I get closer to the graveyard. It has been such a long time, since I was here last. Even I didn’t understand what was going on at that time. But today, I know, the truth lies behind the world unseen. But even if people would open their eyes they wouldn’t believe me. Sometimes we need to experience and then we know. What should I tell them?
There, I can see him, standing at the back, looking at the process from a distance. His eyes are glacing and I know exactly what he feels. I have been there, I have done that. It takes some time to realize, to accept and to see the truth behind all this drama. He is confused and doesn’t understand how quick things can change, from one second to the other. Here today, gone tomorrow. That is the way of life. But even how hard we try to understand, will we ever be able accept or even welcome it?
I can feel his sorrow, because he knows that he has caused all this pain. People are crying just because of him. I don’t want to scare him, gently I try to find my way. It has been a while since we last met and I am not sure about his reaction. Every single step felt to me like an endless echo in eternity without knowing if he would understand. I try to calm myself down, I tend to overthink stuff and I have never done that before. Suddenly he turns around and looked at me with fear in his eyes. I’m trying to smile and hide my true feelings, as if our meeting would not be something strange.
“Dear God, how much I missed him and now he stands in front of me!” I do not know if I should laugh or cry. There is so much he does not know yet, there is so much to learn.
And I wish I could hold this moment forever, my dearest son.
„Hello“ I am trying to sound relaxed, while my thoughts are turning upside down.
He looked at me, as he could just look right through me.
„Dad?“ he paused for a moment as if there was anything to hold on to „But I don´t understand…You…are….“ I can feel his confusion and understand him so very well, it was the same feeling I had, when it happened to me.
„I know my son…please don´t have any fear“
Confused and desperate he starred at the funeral party as they would make a silly joke.
„But Dad…how can all this be?“ his voice was shaking.
„Dad…I don´t understand all this…you are gone…for such a long time…you are…“ he didn’t come any further and bursted in tears. I put my arms around him and whispered in his ear.
He nodded ashamed as if death was something better not to talk about. My eyes looked at the funeral party and at the mourners. I was able see my beloved Marie, we were together for over 30 years. I never loved someone more than her she was my everything, the one I wanted to grow old with. But she had to let me go and I still don’t know how she was able to keep on living. I couldn’t go on like this. When I was diagnosed with cancer, she was the one who kept strong and positive no matter how I felt. She was there when I wanted to dissappear. I caused her so much pain and wasted so many years of her life. We were so young and it seemed not fair. But there is always a bigger plan which we often don’t know about. Things happen out of our control, out of the area of understanding and acceptance. Sometimes it seems things happen for no reason. During those times we reach the point of your own helplessness, which makes us humans and so vulnerable. Today, I am standing here on the other side, at the grave of my own son. And it is painful for me as well, because I can´t tell my bereaved wife the truth. How brave she looks as she can carry all this pain on her shoulders. First I had to go, now it is our son, why is life so hard sometimes?
„Dad! I don’t understand. Is that just a dream?“ his voice was still shaking.
„My dear son….“ helplessly I fished for the right words. „Can you remember what happened? I mean, do you remember the accident you had?“
He squint his eyes.
„Yes…yes..I do. I was driving the motorbike…suddenly it started to rain….I tried to reduce speed and thought I could go around the bend….and…this wonderful light…I could not see…“ he stopped.
For a very short moment everything was covered in silence, a silence which makes you feel that something is missing. A silence in which you suddenly understand, realize before the truth hits you with all its pain.
„You crashed into the bend….“
He nod guilty. „Everything happened so quick and…but….it did not hurt, Dad! I can remember the ambulance taking me to the hospital. And I can see Mum, she was crying while she was sitting next to me…I am so sorry. I tried to hug her, but it did not work. I was not able to reach out to her…Dad? What is this all about?“
„Well, you are on the other side now.“
„Other side?“ he replied „What you mean with other side?“
„My son, you are dead.“
I could feel the devastation in his voice „I am dead? But I am still here…I don’t understand, Dad!“
I smiled gently „You are still here, because your soul can not die. You just entered the spiritual dimension, the Spiritual World“
„Really? What is the spiritual dimension? And why has no one told me that before?“
„The Spiritual World is the Dimension you enter, when you leave your material body. Your soul is immortal. You can remember everything that happened here down on earth, everything is stored in your consciousness. Your soul is your immortal consciousness. And most of the people do not know about that. Even I had to learn this new truth, when I left this world.“
I paused for a moment „My dear son, can you remember the day I left this world? When you walked home with Mum and you were talking about me? When you entered your room at home and you talked to me, how much you missed me and you wished me farewell?“
He´s starred at me „Yes…of course…!“
„Can you remember the small bird, sitting outside on the tree and singing that wonderful song. You just opened the window and listen to him and suddenly a warm breeze was fondling your face?“
„Yes, it was me, telling you, that I am fine! I never left you my son, I have always been with you. As my soul is still alive and so is yours.“
He smiled at me and I felt a huge burden falling off his heart. „Is this heaven, Dad?“ his eyes were sparkling.
I kissed him on his forehead, embracing my wings around him: „It is so much more! Come my son, I will take you home“
(featured image – freeimageslive.co.uk)