I am sitting outside in my garden…it is just a day before Halloween and nearly six o clock pm. Unable to see anything it is just me and the darkness of Scorpio in new moon. I finally have some me time, time for and all by myself. Nothing is calling my name and no one wants anything from me, that must be Scorpio energy. People tend to withdrawn and prefer to be by themselves while they facing their own shadows. Others maybe have problems to be alone as this is exactly what they are afraid of.
I listen into the night – searching for nothing but some space. I just quit smoking last week. For a while I was really serious about giving up smoking and then at the end you keep on doing it and you never stop blaming yourself for it. Now that I stopped I suddenly got a lot of more time, time which I used by going for a smoke, buying tobacco, rolling a cigarette or searching for a lighter. All this time and space for thoughts I got back for myself now and I experience new territory.
Through my job I had to accompany a client 3 days a week for his radiation cancer therapy treatment. He used to be a smoker and earlier this year when he tripped over he had to go to the hospital through scanning his body for inner injuries they found a shadow surrounding his lung.
During these days waiting, assisting, helping, explaining and holding space for someone who rushes through a series of instant mortality. I found something within me I did so good in ignoring before. That bit that I so easily replaced with smoking now hit me right into the face. That one day – this could be just me.
The thought that one day – I would wake up from the illusion that I would live forever. And all my smoking would not have any effect towards my health or well-being.
My client may have thought the same and now he realized that he was wrong. We can’t know it all – we can’t deny it all and later on pretending we didn’t know. We do know – but we don’t want to. Because dying is lonely, painful and ugly, unfair, unlawful and scary at the same time.
Better we run away from these thoughts and find something we could do instead. Instead of thinking that we don’t live forever because that hurts and we don’t want any pain in our life.
I just realized no matter how spiritual I think I might be, this is still something I havent dealt with yet. Something I don’t wanted to look at and still tried to hide for myself. I smoked because I was scared, scared of that emptiness within me.
Smoking hast to do with suppression, especially with grief or sorrow. As in chinese traditional medicine the lungs are related to the emotions of grief and the ability to let go and transform.
Smoking gives that bit of comfort at least for a while, that instant feeling that we are able to control something. Maybe also that little bit of distance we so desperately need when we scared to be close to others and dont know how to draw our boundaries.
We easily smoke away the feeling that tells us that something within us is not quite right. And we would rather hang on to bad smell, yellow teeth, lack of breath and dried skin then facing what we are running away from.
Smoking is a form of self-destruction and it stems from a lack of self-love that can have been caused during anytime in your life.
When I went through the series of cancer treatments with my client I realized that I would need to look at my shadow. I am asked to shed light on the dark side within me and have a clear conversation with my addiction problem. This was my hint that I would need to go deeper if I don’t wanted to come here ever again. If we don’t shine light onto our darkness, others might do that for us and that can be so much more painful.
Others can reflect our shadows, also others are really good in mirroring what we don’t want to see. And we are really good in running away, blaming or avoiding all that we don’t want to look at.
How much compassion can we have for ourselves? How much vulnerability y lies in our mortality? Can we accept to get older? To lose our power, our senses and at one point might even ourselves?
I might stopped smoking because I wanted to stop avoiding myself. Because I realized that this just hindered me in the process to see me as clear as I am able to. Reminding myself that whatever shadows I might will find – I am ready to face them and I am strong enough to do so.
Smoking might just been another mask – I was ready to take off. To see who I am truly are…without the constant suppression through toxins in my body.
I might just have been ready to create more space for the mystery to happen…the unknown….the universe…the miracles and the real life moments….Maybe I have just been in the Scorpio New Moon Mood saying…I need to dive deeper than the sea I am currently swimming in.
It might just has been the universe showing me a second chance and it just might have been a Scorpio new moon telling me: It’s not too late to start again and lighten my own shadow before others will do that for me.
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Medium – Healer – Soulactivist
Julie Jurgan is a medium, healer and Soulactivist. She offers One-to-One Sessions ( Readings & Meditations) via Skype and in person. Her healing sessions are available in person as well as via distance. Her healing sessions are powerful and transforming. If you want to know what sessions Julie offers please have a look here…
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