I love being alone & in solitude & quiet. It is a free space. I don’t need many people around. I have a few long time connections that mean very much to me but feel unrelatable in my new place in life.
I have lost many & much of what used to give me confidence so I don’t feel most days that I have much to share to stay connected to my people in a way they will find interesting. I miss my friends & it’s been forever since I had a hug from anyone other than my partner. I feel I’m on a island alone & no one “gets me” & for the most part I’m ok with knowing I’m just being “me” & discovering new bits of myself. I used to have many people come in & out of my days that I knew I helped in one way or another & it did stroke my ego but I also knew I was doing my life’s work & it was fulfilling. I lost the desire to do it in the same way.
So I am lonely in the fact that my passion left, I left my family, friends, clients… my tribe, behind because I didn’t feel there was anything more I could do there. My soul knew it was time to go. I am lonely only in not knowing who is my tribe now? Where do I belong? How will I find myself again, my new self? And how will I present her to the world? How can I help others with my gift?
And will I be accepted if I’m wrapped in different packaging? Will I learn to trust & not feel like I will be hurt when I let my guard down? I want to fall deliriously in love & have no doubts & just thrive in it. I don’t know if I believe in forever love, but it’s what I want. My ex husband was the greatest love of my life (but it was an immature love) & I left him once I realized he couldn’t go on the same life journey as me. He didn’t want to. He wanted me to stay small & not want for or need things that I loved. I couldn’t be held back & he didn’t want to keep up. So we split. Still friends but wanting different things.
I met the man I’m with now & we felt like equals & now I’m living with less than ever & it makes me sad that I thought I left to go after more life & it seems to have backfired. But I try to just think I had to let go of everything so I can become who & what I am supposed to.
All that is my loneliness.
Alone without SOOO much of who I once was & the essence of life I once had. I’m lonely without my power. Without my magic. Without my “knowing” my faith & belief in myself. I doubt & I don’t want to because I followed my souls calling & then something happened that happened so slowly that I didn’t realize until I was in extreme withdraw from letting go of so much.
I’m lonely that my intuition that was so prominent seems gone. And when & if I ever doubted that, my number 11 would show up & make me aware. And now that rarely happens & I don’t know where to turn or what to trust.
This is my loneliness. I’m lonely for myself.
(featured image- gretchenrubin.com)